'twas the day before preschool
“Harper, do you know what we get to do today?”
“What?!” she responded with enthusiasm, even as she wiped the sleep from her tired eyes.
“We get to go look at PRESCHOOL!” I said back to her as I sat down on the edge of her bed. And I don’t think I will ever forget what she did next.
With the full force of a three-year’s energy, Harper jumped straight up in her bed and broke out in song, gleefully stringing together a made up chorus of words that went something like, “Oh oh, hey hey, I’m going to see my school! Oh yeah, oh yeah! Preschool! Preschool!”
“Harper, we are just going to look at it. You can’t start school for a few more months. Now let’s get out of bed and get dressed. Maybe I can even comb your hair this morning?” I stood up and started toward the door, but she just kept jumping, blissfully unaware of the hair brushing comment, singing her little heart out.
“Oh oh, hey hey, I’m going to see my school! Oh yeah, oh yeah! Preschool! Preschool!”
Later that morning we pulled up to the church and headed toward the hallway where the current preschoolers were in class. Some were playing in the “discovery zone,” others were having their morning devotion, and still another class was learning about the ocean. Everywhere Harper turned, she was mesmerized. The paintings on the wall, the cubbies, the laughter, the kind teachers, all of it leaving my three-year old wide-eyed and speechless. She is never speechless, so this was notable. It took ten minutes for Alex and I to feel great about the school, but it had Harper at “hello!”
A few hours after our tour, the director sent me an email saying that they had a student move away a few weeks ago, and if Harper wanted to finish out the school year with them in the three-year old class that she would be welcome to do so.
Harper turned three in December, so technically she should start preschool in the fall of this year. But as I read that email and thought of sending Harper away three mornings a week, like, right now, I immediately thought back to my morning jumping bean.
“Oh oh, hey hey, I’m going to see my school! Oh yeah, oh yeah! Preschool! Preschool!”
I think she is ready. Her little school bag looks far too big and just the right size at the very same time.
Not long ago, this day felt a million years away. These things always do; the seasons or events you know are coming, but the right now feels like so much to manage that the someday soon is hard to picture. Not long ago I felt like we had all the time in the world together: time to stay in our jammies, make cards for friends, put dresses on and pretend we live in a castle; or time to do nothing at all, and those have always been my favorite.
But she is taking a small step off on her own now. She’ll make her own friends and start to blaze her own little path, and both of those things I can’t wait to watch her do. But do you know what is the hardest part for me? It’s this: that someone else will be reading her books each day, holding her hand across the balance beam, giving her a hug when she falls down, or asking her to apologize when she makes a mistake. I’m jealous of that, if I’m honest. It’s always been my job to read, hold, hug, and talk about grace. And now I have to share it. This is right, and I know it. But gosh, the thought is hard on a mama’s heart, isn’t it?
We’ve had only 5 days to think about Harper going to school. But maybe it is better for me this way? You know, less time to come up with reasons to be anxious about it all. And I just keep telling myself this: Harper is ready. She loves everything about the idea of her preschool: the toys, the friends, and the carpet square with her name on it. And I am almost ready to let her go—though I’m certain another six months would not make me more ready. Is a mama ever really ready? I am not sure we are. Sometimes we just have to fake it a little.
I am thrilled for my girl. She is life and energy and joy in a three-year-old body, and watching her grow is one of my favorite things to do.
Go shine bright, Harper. So proud to be your mama.